Selected Halachos

• At the Funeral and Cemetery
• The family room is for family and not comforters.
• The funeral home and the cemetery are for showing respect and honor to the deceased, not for comforting the mourners.
• It is not the time or place for joking around or levity.
• People who come to the funeral home or cemetery have not fulfilled their obligations for comforting the mourners.
• If you are not the officiating rabbi, keep quiet. It is not your place to say anything pertaining to Jewish Law or custom.

• Visitors to the Home
• It is not the time or place for joking around or levity.
• Humorous anecdotes of the deceased spoken respectfully are in place.
• You will probably feel uncomfortable doing this important mitzva, but that is normal.
• This is not about you (the person doing the comforting), it is about the mourners.
• Do not offer gratuitous psychological advice.
• You are not there to criticize the deceased or the mourners.
• Do what you can to be there for prayer times. It is a tremendous help for the family knowing that they will have a minyan.
• If the family has a sign indicating times for visitors, follow the instructions. Do not enter outside of visiting times.
• When you arrive, take a seat, and wait for one of the mourners to start the conversation. Just sitting there, even without saying anything, can be a comfort.
• Encourage the mourners to talk about the person they lost. If you have positive things or stories to tell about the deceased, then tell them.
• Do not overstay your welcome.
• Make sure the family has meals – someone should be responsible for making the arrangements. If there is no one doing so, step-up and be the one who coordinates the meals.
• I was in a shiva house where one of the visitors mocked and insulted one of the mourners.
• I was in another shiva house where one of the visitors had to be physically escorted out because she had been monopolizing one of the mourners and even followed him into his bedroom where he went to lay down,
• You are not there to socialize with the other guests.
• Let the mourners lead the conversation.
• Listen considerately, not as though you are taking a breather before beginning to talk again. It is better to be silent than overly talkative.
• Show concern for the mourner’s well-being. Your face should wear a mien of seriousness, not necessarily sadness.
• Ideally, your conversation should not be distracting, but therapeutic. The mourner’s “small talk” should trigger your interest as though it is of great importance
• Speak of the departed. It may appear to be hurtful, but in fact, it helps the mourner to unburden himself. Recall the major events in his life, his opinions on important matters, the quality of his relationships.

• The Mourner
• Speak of the departed. It may be painful, but it will be a catharsis. Recall the major events in his life, his opinions on important matters, the quality of his relationships.
• Do not feel obliged to talk with anyone, but it will help you
• Talk about the departed, it will be cathartic